The following is a letter to my lovely [read: ass-wipe of a human] friend in seat 18C on the Continental flight from Houston to Colorado Springs.
Dear 18C,
I hate you. The end.
Not really "hate," but wicked dislike. I thought everything was going to be fine when I saw you coming down the aisle staring at my row. I even scooted over towards the window seat so that you could have PLENTY of room to sit and be comfortable. I thought, "surely, this man will be generous and take the aisle seat leaving the required 1-seat-padding-room on non-assigned-seat flights." You must not have gotten the memo about this new rule.
You decided to sit in the seat directly adjacent to mine. Now normally, I would not mind this as I have no personal space issues, but this was different. I'm not sure how to word this politely, but you're a very large man, and I am also a fairly large guy as well, though we are large in different definitions of the word. I have nothing against comfortably plump people, but there is a reason that larger people must buy 2 seats. It's just uncomfortable to have a large man directly against your entire left side. Trust me.
I thought that eventually you'd get up to use to bathroom or get hot enough to stop suffocating me ... but you didn't. I thought you would feel uncomfortable in the same was that I was, but you must have a much higher tolerance to having someone smother you. Instead of moving over one, you made things even worse by lifting up the only sliver of metal separating our bodies, my one barrier to cling to: the arm rest. I didn't think this was all that horrible either, but the fact that we were now side-by-side totally, my tolerance for people in my personal bubble were beginning to thin.
If only you had brushed your teeth, maybe things would have been better. Even a mint. I even offered you gum as a nicety, but you would not have my delicious, melon-flavored gum. I hate you. I didn't appreciate you endlessly talking to me WHILE I HAD MY HEADPHONES IN MY EAR. I hope you realize that I did not listen to a single word that you said. I remember your name, but for anonymity's sake, I'll remain closed-lipped. How, sir, did you not catch all my signals that I didn't want to talk, and that your body heat was making me uncomfortable!?
I thought the breath was bad, but nooooo, you had to go and outdo yourself. Sleeping? REALLY!? Ughhhh. I don't care if someone sleeps on a flight ... hell, I normally STRIVE to fall asleep on a flight. But you had to try to sleep and then try to use MY shoulder as a pillow. I swear, I was about 2 seconds away from punching you. Thank GOD the flight attendant was sympathetic to my cause because she woke you up to ask if "you needed a drink" hahahahaha. It was a short-lived victory; however, as you just haaaad to go and fall back asleep. I didn't appreciate your head nodding and falling onto me. I also didn't appreciate your snoring in my ear. I basically made my ears bleed with the volume of my music to drown you out.
If you're wondering why I suddenly jerked you awake to "use the bathroom," then here's a hint: I hate you. I also didn't come back to our row because of you. I felt terrible the whole time, but that was hell. I feel a little badly for sounding so harsh, but how has no one gone off on you yet!? I even left my unfinished magazine in my seat to escape you. I paid $5 for that sucker! Grrrrrrrrr. It was like being in a bad movie. I didn't even know that there were travelers like you in real life! Now, I'm forever scarred by you and I don't know if I'll ever look at airplane passengers the same! You may have just made yourself the root cause of all of my personal bubble issues, hahahaha. Ass.
Well. I suppose that's all my grievances for now. I hope YOU had a lovely flight because I know I sure as heck didn't. -__-
Signed,
Jovan.
PS: I hate you.
Side note: Thank God Colorado was amazing. And heck yes for having awesome return flight single-serving friends! :D Made it all okay!
